


Courtship 101

by Geekhyena



Category: Young Wizards - Diane Duane
Genre: Autistic PoC, Autistic!Dairine, Awkward Conversations, Bad Poetry, Canon Autistic Character, F/M, Interspecies Awkwardness, Interspecies Relationship(s), Interspecies Romance, M/M, Romantic Gestures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 08:04:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4214301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geekhyena/pseuds/Geekhyena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Long-distance relationships can be hard, especially if you're different species.  Sometimes you need advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Courtship 101

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AtypicalOwl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtypicalOwl/gifts).



> Thanks very much to Liz and NightsMistress for betaing!

It was a nice, quiet October afternoon, the kind made for lounging on the couch in comfy sweaters, and indeed, Tom and Carl were doing just that. Carl was working from home, and Tom had just turned in a short story to Lightspeed Magazine, and was taking the rest of the day to brainstorm ideas and enjoy sitting next to Carl on the couch, even if both of them were working on their laptops.

When Tom heard the loud “pop!” of someone teleporting into the backyard, he figured it was one of the local wizards come by to ask advice, or possibly Kit coming by to return the three-eights Gripley he’d borrowed for working on the Edsel. What he was not expecting, however, was the Sunlord of Wellakh to stride into his living room. “Seniors,” he said politely, bowing. “I seek advice.”

Carl looked up from his laptop. “Of course, Roshaun. How can we help?”

“I require advice in courting Dhairine,” he began. "I know that Dhairine is pushing herself to deal with politics and courtly manners in a way she is unfamiliar with, and I do appreciate it. She has clearly been trying hard to understand, though she knows it is not winning her much favor with the people. And yet, she persists. I wish to show her the depth of my regard for her efforts, but it is difficult.”

Tom blinked. “Well, this is a new one. Okay, is there a specific area where you’re having difficulty?” He scrambled to think of how exactly to handle this. He’d advised Dairine on Errantry, certainly, and kept an eye on her, but it was mostly in terms of energy levels and reminding her that certain plans were bad ideas. She’d never come to him asking for advice with her personal life, unlike Nita and Kit. He was pleased to know, though, that she’d been trying to make things work on Wellakh. Privately, he and Carl had been wondering if her usual lack of subtlety and patience would lead to an interplanetary incident.

“Your cultural norms about romance seem to be internally inconsistent, and Kharmella is unavailable to ask.” 

“She and Filif are doing a sort of romantic vacation on Demisiv,” Carl explained. “Do not disturb unless world is ending, that kind of thing.” He shrugged. “But while you’re here, we can at least try to help. You say the literature contradicts itself - what’ve you been looking at?”

“I have watched several human films that relate to romance - I borrowed Carmela’s Netflix account and looked at the films in the ‘romantic films’ section.”

Tom was rather impressed that Netflix worked on Wellakh. Maybe the rumors about Netflix having several wizards on staff was true - it would explain the suggestion algorithm, at least. But the idea of Roshaun having watched human romance films without someone to explain them….that was more than a little worrying. From what he knew of Wellakhit culture, things between the two planets were just close enough to seem similar, but different enough that trying to draw conclusions without a local to explain things would be potentially hazardous. “And you say they’re confusing? What exactly did you watch?”

“Several of the ones in Carmela’s recent history. I did not note the names, but there seemed to be a great deal of subterfuge and dishonesty, which does not seem appropriate for dealing with Dhairine.” He shrugged, feigning nonchalance. “Perhaps I lack the proper context to appreciate their nuances.”

“Possibly,” Carl conceded. “But it’s more likely that how they present relationships is highly idealized. They’re not meant to represent how people in relationships act around each other.:

“A lot of people go from being friends to being romantically involved,” Tom pointed out. “Carl and I had known each other for six months before I asked him out, and we’d been working together as wizards for about half that time. Nita and Kit knew each other for years. Plenty of people meet their romantic partners while practicing the Art. It’s not all meeting people in bars or randomly.”

Roshaun looked somewhat reassured, but still frustrated. “Then how do I go about courting her? I value and appreciate her friendship, but I am having difficulties in finding ways to show her just how deep my romantic feelings are.” He sighed. “Back home, among the nobility, it is much easier. There is a clear pattern of things to show romantic interest, but they are either things that Dhairine would not understand the significance of, or that she would not like. And yet, your cultural references all seem to focus on things she would not find interesting, either.” 

Tom thought this over. Roshaun had a point - even Nita and Kit had been doing the standard dating thing: movie dates, school dances, dinners out, in addition to some things that were more related to wizardry than traditional human courtship. But it didn’t really seem as if much of that was anything Dairine would find interesting from a purely romantic standpoint. 

“Well we can talk things over and maybe try to see what would be romantic to both of you,” Carl consoled. “There has to be something.”

“I did have a few ideas,” Roshaun admitted. “I have done research, but I would appreciate your advice before I - “

There was another “pop!” from the backyard, interrupting Roshaun, as Darryl came rushing in, clutching a plastic bag full of what appeared to be dog biscuits. “Hey Tom! Hey Carl! We had home ec and made dog cookies so I brought them for Annie and Monty and Dudley since Mom won’t let me get a dog yet.” He set down his backpack and flopped on the floor, the dogs rushing at him with eager shouts of Hi there! Hi there! DOG BISCUITS YES AWESOME YES HEY YOU SMELL LIKE FOOD HIIIIIII Darryl was momentarily obscured from view by the wriggling mass of two Australian Shepherds and one terrier mix of indeterminate origin, all three barking eagerly in doggy glee, their stubby-tailed rear ends wagging hard enough to wiggle their entire bodies. 

Darryl had been begging his parents for a dog for the past six months, but in the meantime, he often stopped by after school with dog treats and a seemingly endless supply of belly rubs. Tom and Carl had actively encouraged this, as it meant more exercise for the dogs, and it seemed to help Darryl decompress a bit after school.  
Tom was quietly pleased by Darryl showing up when he did. Darryl being around might actually help. Both Darryl and Dairine had had a somewhat alarming tendency towards solitary practice of the Art, especially when school or other responsibilities interfered with Dairine’s ability to go to Wellakh, but they’d developed a sort of informal partnership. It had started when the Rodriguez’s entertainment system had gone from ‘smart TV’ to ‘fully-fledged AI’, leaving Kit somewhat baffled as to what to do with a TV that had its own ideas about what it wanted to show. 

Both Dairine and Darryl had shown up to Kit’s request for help, and between Darryl’s gift for machines and Dairine’s skill with silicon-based lifeforms, they’d managed to broker an agreement between the entertainment system and the Rodriguezes, and come out friends as a result. They still worked together fairly frequently - they’d both been allowed Senior-level access to some of the newer implementations of the Manual, probably due to their affinities with tech and possibly because Dairine and Darryl had managed to hack Darryl’s WizPod, something Tom hadn’t known was possible. Manuals were supposed to technically be un-hackable, but between the two of them, they’d managed it. 

As a result, most of the Apple devices in the McAllister and Callahan households had been significantly modified from factory specifications, and while nothing bad had happened yet, Tom and Carl were keeping a bit of an eye on them. They had the tendency to act as an amplifying effect for each others’ wild ideas, though Tom had to admit that the localized EMP device in Dairine’s iPhone had come in useful when aliens had accidentally invaded the local comic-con. All in all, it was a good friendship, and when Dairine wasn’t on Wellakh, she and Darryl hung out quite a bit.  


Darryl showing up was reassuring to Tom, in a way. For one, it was a younger perspective - Tom and Carl had dated decades ago, and within a subculture where the romantic norms were very different, but also, Darryl saw more of Dairine than Tom and Carl did. Dairine wasn’t the type to consult as regularly with her Seniors, not like Nita and Kit. If they saw Dairine by herself for Errantry-related business, it usually meant something had gone wrong. 

When the dogpile subsided, Darryl continued. “Oh did you know moose are basically giant deer? I always thought they were like, their own kind of th- oh, hey….Roshaun.” Darryl blinked. “What’re you doing here?”

“I am seeking advice of the Seniors.”

“Oh! Oh, sorry!” Darryl paused for a moment. “If it’s awkward I can leave, or if you want privacy. I can play with the dogs later.” He scratched Monty behind the ears, the dog’s tongue lolling in joy. Ohyeahohyeahohyeah….

“Ah. You may stay if you like,” Roshaun replied, a touch imperious. “I came seeking advice about Dhairine. You may even have valuable insight, by virtue of sharing a phenotype with Dhairine.”

Darryl thought a minute, apparently translating from ‘arrogant kingling’ in his head. “Erm...I mean I’m only fourteen, I don't know how much help I’d be. I mean, I’m not really sure if I even want to do the dating thing with anyone yet - like, maybe? But I haven’t really thought about it?” Darryl looked a bit uncomfortable, his hands fidgeting a bit before finding purchase in Dudley’s fur. 

“No, but you are her friend. She has spoken much about how she enjoys “geeking out” with you.” He shrugged. “If you feel you may have something to add.”

Darryl’s face brightened, relaxing more. “Oh! Okay, that makes sense. I like hanging out with her too! She’s fun! We saw all 6 Star Wars films last weekend - she hung out at my house and Mom made brownies. It’s nice having someone to do stuff with like that. I mean Kit’s fun and Ronan’s like a crash course in snark and irony, but Dairine and I can flail about stuff and sometimes it’s nice to hang out with someone and with them, you don’t have to translate yourself all the time.” Darryl nodded. “Okay, your Royal Awkwardness, I’ll help.”

Annie nosed Darryl’s side, making him laugh as she hit a ticklish spot. Dog biscuits please? While the talky thing? Pleeeeease?

“Yes, you can have the biscuits while we talk.” Darryl fished the bag out of his backpack, then paused, eyebrows shooting up. “Tom, Carl, sweet potato and peanut butter are ok for them right? Ms. Joyce said it was healthy for dogs, but I know dogs can have food allergies…”

“That’s fine, Darryl,” Carl reassured. “Go ahead.”

Darryl let out a soft “whump” of relief. “Sweet.”

COOKIES! HOORAY! chorused the dogs, tails wagging so hard their whole bodies vibrated. 

“As I was going to say before Dharryl arrived,” Roshaun continued. “I have written a poem in her honor. My tutors say I have exquisite grasp of all of the Seven Glorious Poetic Forms. I have even studied human metaphor, as inelegant as it is compared to our own.I would appreciate your advice as to whether or not I was successful. The recent information on human romantic poetry is patchy and confusing.”

“You wrote Dairine a love poem.” Carl deadpanned. 

“Of course. It’s an essential part of courtship.”

“And you want us to critique it.” Tom clarified.

“As I said, I am skilled, but one must make allowances for the fact that certain cultural idioms do not always translate as well. I wish to avoid that.”

Tom looked at Carl. Carl looked at Tom. Darryl muffled a laugh in Annie’s fluffy fur.

“Go right ahead,” said Tom.

Roshaun stood proudly, the glowing sphere that was his version of the Manual floating softly in front of him, and struck a pose best described as “declamatory” - shoulders set confidently, feet apart, one arm in front of him as if he were about to start giving a speech, or perhaps burst into song.

“He looks like he’s about to announce he’s running for president,” Tom commented.

“Or burst into song like one of those Disney princes,” Darryl snickered. “Iiii’ve been dreaming of a true love’s kiiiiisss….”

“Miiiight want to loosen up the body language a bit, yes, when you actually do this,” Carl agreed. “You look….well, actually, Darryl was pretty accurate on that. You look like the lead in a musical. It’s not body language that says romance in any sense of the term. Or at least any sense Dairine wouldn’t find inherently hilarious.”

“Why is it bad to look like the lead in a musical?” Roshaun sounded confused. “I thought that was a good thing. Isn’t the lead the most compelling and interesting character in the story?” He paused. “I thought musical theatre was one of the things our cultures had in common.”

“Well yeah, but that doesn’t mean the tropes are the same.” Darryl pointed out. “Remember when Carmela took everyone to see Pirates of Penzance because she knew the guy playing the head pirate? And how everything was very intense and emotional all the time? That was overacting for the stage. Everything’s over the top and overacted because they’re making sure the whole crowd gets what’s going on.” He smiled. “I like that - it’s easier to read expressions and stuff because everyone’s so over the top there’s no chance of you missing it.”

“Exactly,” Tom chimed in. “Most musicals are staged to be larger than life. So while you might think a strong, confident pose like that is romantic, and in your culture it probably is, Dairine’s going to think it’s over the top because we only usually see that sort of pose when someone is trying to act in front of a live audience. It’s deliberate exaggeration, and outside of that context, it’s more funny than romantic.”

“So I need to be less….exaggerated in my body language?”

“Don’t set your stance so wide,” Carl suggested. “Keep your attitude loose, not so stiff in the shoulders. Keep your hands in front of you or at your sides, but loose. Right now, it looks like you’re expecting a large audience.”

“Keep it relaxed and intimate - around here, that demonstrates sincerity,” Tom added. “Your culture is all about the big dramatic gestures in private, right?”

Roshaun nodded. “It is seen as a way to demonstrate the seriousness of one’s motives, that one views it as worth the time and effort.”

“These days, unless you’re proposing, big dramatic gestures aren’t really in style.” Tom explained. “And definitely not with Dairine. It might be your way of doing things, but isn’t hers.”

Roshaun slouched his shoulders a bit, dropping his hands to his sides. “Better?” At a chorus of nods, he began.

"Beloved of beloveds, most glorious of glories,  
O Dhairine of Earth  
Bright-headed your clan name, bright-headed you are  
Crowned with curls like fresh-forged metal waves  
Flashing grey-eyed Dhairine, as gifted in speech as in the Speech...."

"Fresh-forged metal waves? That's not the best metaphor there.” Tom pointed out

"Well I use fire metaphors later, so I did not want to overdo that imagery..."

“Why are her eyes flashing?” Darryl asked. “With metal hair and flashing eyes, she’s gonna think you’re calling her a robot. Like her eyes are electric lights or something.”

“You do not have the metaphor of eyes flashing with passion? I thought that was a metaphor both our cultures used.”

"Yes,” Carl hedged, “But Darryl’s right, those two phrases next to each other don’t really work. What kind of poetry is this again?"

"Form III of the Seven Glorious Poetic Forms: Metaphorical Construction. Praising one's beloved via a series of comparisons, using cultural metaphors. I did my research for this!" He replied, sounding somewhat offended.

Darryl muffled a snicker, which Roshaun pointedly ignored. Carl, however, took Darryl’s snicker as an opening. "Honestly, you might want to use a different metaphor for the hair, I don't know....something… Tom, you’re the writer, help me out here.”

“Something less like you’re comparing her to a robot. She’s not a gynoid,” Tom replied, trying desperately not to laugh. “The gifted in speech as in the Speech was clever, though that sounds like you're quoting someone....not someone I recognize, though. Anyway, go on.”

"It’s a quote from Sorab ke Firdawsi's 'Ode to a Practicioner of the Art' - it is a classic! As I was saying...  
Fierce as a lioness, elegant and agile  
Cunning as the most lovely of mantis shrimp, making physics itself bend to her will,  
Brave as a -"

"Roshaun?” Carl looked genuinely concerned. “Roshaun, why are you comparing her to a mantis shrimp?"

"How do you even know what one of those is?" Darryl perked up, accidentally dislodging Dudley from his lap. “I thought I was the one who’s glued to Animal Planet around here.”

"Sker'ret sent me a documentary on them. They are appealing to look at, strong, and the supercavitation effect of their strikes is fascinating."

"Roshaun, at least on this planet, women don't particularly appreciate being compared to dangerous invertebrates....” Tom paused, considering. “Most women. Definitely not Dairine. Almost certainly not Dairine.”

"But they are interesting! I thought it would be an appropriate cultural metaphor: I am praising her beauty but also her cunning and skill in the Art..."

"I don't quite think that's the right metaphor for that. The lioness one is traditional, though, good job there. We can work with this. Go on?" said Tom. This was going to be a trainwreck, he was sure of it.

"Brave as a wolverine, rushing to defend those she calls her own...."

Darryl sniggered, then paused giving Monty a tummy rub to make “SNIKT” noises. Tom chuckled.

"Roshaun, we need to work on your animal metaphors. I think there's a fundamental disconnect here,” said Carl.

“She’s going to think you’re comparing her to the X-Men character and like, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not romantic either.” Darryl added.

“Noted. May I please continue?” Tom and Carl nodded, and he continued.

"She kindles life on dormant planets, and kindles love in the hearts of many  
The Sunlord's answering fire, her heart flame as to his as a pair of quantum-connected particles  
Beloved by her people, beloved of the Sunlord  
O glorious of glorious ones, best beloved of Earth and Wellakh."

"Is that it?" Tom asked.

"....yes?" Roshaun sounded hesitant.

"She's going to laugh so hard she falls over. Oh man, she is...she’s…..oh man….” Darryl laughed, flopping over onto his side to cuddle the dogs more. Monty flopped on top of him, begging for ear scritches, his entire rear end waggling in glee. I don’t know what’s funny but yay!

“I don’t understand…” Roshaun looked deflated and somewhat puzzled, but also as if he were trying to decide whether or not to be offended. 

“I think what we have here is a clear case of cross-cultural script conflict. Where you’re from, courtship is subtle and slow and very formal, but also big on dramatic gestures in private, yes? It used to be like that here. Nowadays, it’s much less formal, at least in this culture,” Tom began. “But your default reaction is still to try and treat things as if it were proceeding according to the cultural scripts you were raised in.”

“It’s sort of like what Tom and I went through when we started dating,” Carl continued. “Mostly Tom - I’d dated men before, but he hadn’t. And the cultural narratives at the time were all heterosexual - here’s how you ask a girl out, etc etc etc. None of the cultural narratives dealt with courting other men, so it took a lot of trial and error to sort out what worked and what was us trying to cling to scripts that weren’t making sense. You haven’t quite gotten to the whole ‘throw the script out the window stage’ yet.”

“That is why you fail,” Darryl said, in a mock-Yoda voice. “Dair isn’t exactly what you would call a romantic, not even for around here. Neither of us groks the whole subtlety thing. She’ll Leeroy Jenkins into a thing and figure stuff out as she goes along, but she’ll always do it in the most direct way possible.” At blank stares from the other three humanoids in the room, he rolled his eyes. “Dudes do you even internet? It’s like half a decade old already, you should know the meme by now. It’s a classic!” 

Tom looked at Carl. Carl looked at Tom. Roshaun just looked confused. “Who is this Leeroy Jenkins of which you speak?”

Five minutes and one youtube video later, the cultural context was sufficiently explained. “You are saying,” Roshaun said cautiously, “That any attempts at the subtle, elegant ways my people practice are likely to frustrate and/or amuse her, but not have their desired effect, because of her straightforwardness?”

“Pretty much, yes. Tom?”

“That’s about the gist of it, yes.”

“Then what in the Aethyr’s name DO I do? She does not wish to go dancing, you have shown me that poetry will not work the way I desire,” He flung up his hands in frustration, his voice taking on a plaintive tone. “My mother has given her appropriate clothes and jewelry, rendering gifts of such largely irrelevant, and I doubt she’d wish to go on an intimate stroll through the palace gardens…” He grumbled. 

“That we can help with,” Tom reassured. “I mean, she knows visiting her is a pretty substantial investment of time and energy, and I know she appreciates that.”

“Knowing Dair, she’d probably be cool with just cuddling and watching Netflix. She likes cuddling with you,” Darryl pointed out. “Doesn’t have to be fancy to be fun.”

“But I wish to show her how important she is to me. In my culture, that demands “fancy”. Especially from one of my station.” He paced back and forth, elegant overvest billowing a bit behind him. “If I am courting her in seriousness, which I am: in her, I am choosing my future queen. It would be disrespectful to court her inelegantly.”

“It would be respectful, however, to recognize that she’s trying hard on the public side of things, and to give some ground on the private side of things. You’ve said you recognize her efforts,” Carl reminded. 

“She’s not exactly the most public of people, either,” Darryl pointed out. “It’s kinda tiring, putting on a public face like that. And she’s not used to dealing with hostility she can’t either ignore or punch. I know you’re used to it, and you deal with it, but she’s still getting the hang of it.”

“That is part of it. Much of her ‘dealing with it’ training has been through my mother. “I do appreciate Dhairine’s efforts in learning the ways of my people and respecting them, but my mother has handled the acclimation and etiquette so thoroughly I am not sure what I could do. I feel rather superfluous. It is hard to figure out what is left for me to do that would be romantic and significant to the both of us.”

 

“Like I said - that, we can help with,” Tom reassured. “That is sort of how dating goes these days anyways.”

Yeah, fancy isn’t something she needs,” Darryl reminded him. “Show her you’re interested in what’s important to her. You’re off to a good start - she keeps IMing me about your reactions to all the sci-fi she’s showing you. By the way, everyone freaked out watching Alien. It’s like a universal thing. Don’t be ashamed you screamed and fell off the couch.” 

Roshaun looked shiftily to the side at that. “My culture does not have a history of these…..”jump scares”, as you call them. Our version of horror involves more subtle methods..”

“Darryl has a point, though,” Carl agreed. “Even when you can’t be physically together there’s still ways to let her know she’s on your mind. You could do a sort of book exchange, maybe.”

“A book exchange?”

“It was something Tom and I did while he was studying writing in London for a semester. He’d send me the name of a book he thought was interesting, and I’d send him one I liked, and we’d read the books and then our one monthly phone call, we’d discuss them. It made the distance seem shorter, and we learned about what we both found important.”

“And it got both of us addicted to Terry Pratchett,” Tom grinned. “I came back with a suitcase full of Discworld novels.” 

“That could work,” Roshaun mused.

“Or just relaxing. Like, watching something or reading and just being in contact. She likes cuddling you. You know she’s not like, a super snuggly person, but around you, she is.” Darryl paused, carefully choosing his words. “She doesn’t even do that with her sister or dad. She wouldn’t do that if she didn’t really feel comfortable with you.”

“I erm….I am aware of that.” Roshaun blushed, one of the few emotional signals Wellakhit and humans had in common. “We had to have a bit of a discussion about what Wellakh considers public displays of affection once. You humans are much more….physically affectionate in public.”

“Ahh, that explains the ‘obscene hand-holding’ comments she was grumbling about recently. I thought she was complaining about Nita and Kit.” Tom’s voice was sympathetic, but a bit amused.

“No…she…” Roshaun looked decidedly embarrassed. “She accidentally implied that we were a lot more physically involved than either of us is ready for. In public. I know she did it out of nervousness, but it did make things awkward. She said my culture is “worse than Vulcans”. I am glad I have watched enough Star Trek with her to understand what she meant by that.” He paused, thinking to himself. “I greatly appreciate this advice. It has given me much to think about.” 

He bowed to the three of them. “I shall perhaps see if Dhairine is in, and would care for company. Thank you.” He headed out the sliding glass door, and with a “pop”! left the backyard.

“Playing yentl to an alien king,” Tom smirked. “Who’d’ve thought?”

“He is trying, at least. You can tell he really cares about her.”

“Hopefully it works,” Darrl said, attempting to pet two dogs at once. “Dair is my friend - I want things to go well for her. And they’re both dorks. Besides, she keeps liveblogging his reactions at me and they’re hilarious.” He paused, rummaging in his pockets. “Sorry, puppies, out of cookies for today.”

Awwwwwww!

“Thanks for letting me come by - I mean, Wally West’s a great turtle, but he’s not really all that snuggly. These three are.” He dusted himself off, getting up. “I should probably get home though - I have chemistry homework. Electron shell time!”

“Good luck, kiddo!” Tom grinned. “Let me know when your lit class gets to Shakespeare - we can talk themes and stuff if you’d like.”

“Thanks! We’re starting Much Ado About Nothing next week.”

“Oh, you’ll have fun with that.” He chuckled at the irony. “That’s a good one. Say hi to your folks for us!”

“Dai!” With one last hug of the dogs, Darryl headed out into the backyard, a barely perceptible “pop!” following shortly after. 

“So, now that the house is ours,” Tom smirked. “What say we grab a movie and engage in some courtship activities of our own?”

“I’ll order the pizza.”


End file.
